GOOD SEX
This article on Good Sex is a two part serial. This is the concluding part. Enjoy!
Sex should be enjoyed by everyone involved.
Sex should be enjoyed by everyone involved. Here, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells Woman's Day how to make sex better for women.
BY MARIA DEL RUSSO
Don’t just talk about fantasies. Talk about what sex means, how important sex is, and what you want from sex.
Be selfish.
“If magazine headlines and book sales are any indication, we’ve shifted from a culture of sexual taker to a culture of highly performative givers when it comes to sex,” O’Reilly says. “Giving is great, but when it comes to sex, the performative element of giving can detract from the experience of pleasure.” In other words, we’re so concerned with making sure our partners think we’re having a good time, that we don't actually give ourselves the chance to have a good time, too.
The easiest way to change this dynamic, is to “p receiving pleasure without apology,” O’Reilly says. So if something your partner is doing feels reallygood for you, allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy that feeling without being concerned about whether or not they’re also experiencing pleasure. “Give yourself permission to be selfish once in a while so that you can fully immerse yourself in the pleasure of sex without worrying about the performance,” O’Reilly says.
This, of course, doesn’t mean that you should completely forget about your partner’s experience, or ignore what they want or desire for the sake of your own fulfillment. Opportunities to be selfish during sex should be provided to all involved. But allowing yourself the freedom to really enjoy the moment, without much consideration for how your partner(s) is feeling, will make sex better for all involved. “You’ll likely find that the experience becomes more intense, pleasurable, and meaningful once you relinquish the pressure to please,” O’Reilly says.
Practice mindfulness and presence outside the bedroom.
“If you want to develop a sexual skill, it’s much easier to cultivate the skill generally — outside of sex — and then apply it in sexual situations,” O’Reilly says.
Being present during sex makes it more enjoyable.
A great skill to try and cultivate is mindfulness and presence, especially if you have a hard time getting outside of your own head during sex. “Are you present and mindful throughout the day? Simply focus on your breath and the way your breath feels in your body,” O’Reilly explains “If you can’t be present sitting still, it will be tough to be present during sex.” And the more present you are during sex, the more tuned-in to your pleasure you’ll be.
Take your time.
“Whatever your inclination is with regard to speed, cut it in half and then consider slowing down even more” O’Reilly says. “Sex is exciting, but most of us move more quickly and apply more pressure than we realize, especially when we are excited and aroused.”
An easy way to slow down, according to O’Reilly, is to start simple — with your breathing. “Before you approach your love, or as you begin to connect physically, try taking a few deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth,” she explains. “Count as you inhale and exhale, and visualize the air moving throughout your body to allow every square inch to be nourished and aroused by the experience.” This has the added benefit of getting you inside of your body and out of your head, so you can truly enjoy your partner(s).
Express pleasure profusely.
Unless you’ve got extremely thin walls or a nosey roommate, there is no reason to keep yourself from being vocal during sex. “Do not stifle your sounds or hold your breath!” O’Reilly says. “We tend to do both of these things when we are nervous, but doing so not only hinders your own sexual response, but can cause your partner to tense up as well.” It’s also an indicator that you’re holding back, which neither you or your partner(s) should want.
If you’re someone who gets a release from moaning, don’t silence yourself.
So while you shouldn’t put on a performance justto put on a performance, if you’re someone who gets a release from moaning, don’t silence yourself. “The more relaxed you are, the more your partner’s mood will reflect yours, so breathe deeply and allow your sounds of delight to emanate freely,” O’Reilly says. “Moan, groan, and let them know just how much you love their body, your connection and the experience as a whole.”
Keep an open mind.
While you don’t have to be open to everything, and you should never feel pressured to do something you do not want to do, it’s important to remember that what’s enjoyable for you might not be enjoyable for everyone. “Just because a sex act or experience is unappealing to you, that doesn’t mean someone else, including your partner, cannot derive extreme pleasure from it,” O’Reilly says. So as long as the sex act doesn’t make you uncomfortable, or is a trigger, consider a wide variety of options and new ways to explore your body and that of your partner(s).
“There are no universal rules when it comes to sex and relationships, so be open to considering options beyond wnat immediately appeals to you,” O’Reilly says. “If you reject an idea from the onset, you will miss out on all of the related intricacies and details that might be immensely pleasurable for both you and your partner (or partners).”
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